So, right now I look like this - sorry! -:
not a happy camper!
I’m drawing my final, canyon like line in the sand because my weight has just gone up and up and this is crazy!
I topped it off (yesterday evening/today) by buying four peoples worth of chocolate and biscuits, hiding it from my housemate because I knew he’d disapprove (strange, that!) and proceeding to eat it all down when I got up. That’s healthy >_>
Soooo, cue a post I wrote which was initially a celebration but turned into a pretty chilling realisation of where I am - and I’m putting a stop to this right now!
Those chocolates, all of them, are in the bin. I have made a meal plan. I have bought the items of said meal plan which are arriving tomorrow morning.
And no “the diet starts tomorrow” eating either - there’s nothing in the house now - that’s a very helpful plan! Lots of water this evening!
Today my blog hit 1001 followers. It made me think, where I was, how far I’ve come -how I got here.
In the beginning this blog was a place for me to record my journey on keto. Every step. My daily meals, how I felt, my successes, my failures.
When that sort of became same-ish (when I’d adapted to keto) 3 months of meal plans didn’t seem to relevant and I just posted up the recipes I made instead, or fun information I found. I did experiments and shared those… then I put things up I thought my followers would like, as opposed to things about *me* personally, so much.
So somewhere along the line I think I lost that portion of tumblr-posting that was helping me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love tumblr - I love posting, I love my blog, and each and every follower makes me very very happy. I love being able to actively reach out to people across the world, and it can be quite humbling that so many people looked at this thing you wrote and actively decided they wanted to read more.
I am also constantly amazed at how supportive and amazing you all can be - when I’ve posted about being down or losing I get messages of support and encouragement - and that’s amazing too.
In the beginning, tumblr was a very crucial step to help me get started on keto.
Even when I had 30 or so followers, it acted as my only accountability. You know the way weight watchers people all meet up every couple of weeks and stick themselves on a scale. That accountability is very important - especially in the beginning when all the steps are so hard. That’s what this blog was to me - even though nobody saw it.
In stopping posting about me, and thus even potentially posting my failures, the internal pressure lessened. The ability to cheat rose slightly.
“If I cheat I’ll have to come clean on tumblr next week" became
“meh, this one caramel bar won’t hurt, who’ll know”
This is incredibly useful in the beginning. You know that gambling thing… the “gamblers fallacy” ironic definition:
We pretend to put a tremendous amount of weight on previous events, believing that they’ll somehow influence future outcomes
It means because they already spend £50 on betting they think they can’t stop because they’ve got to win soon…
This actually worked for me eventually - I found that the longer I did keto - ignoring all other effects - the easier it was to justify not eating chocolate (etc) because of all the work I’d put in before which would be undone. i.e. you go back to non-ketosis.
In the beginning this wasn’t there - but accountability was huge - I can hide from myself but not from my blog.
This is the same principle why looking at am scale every day worked - and why when I stopped my weight shot up. SHOT up. Because said accountability was removed.
I know this diet works.. I did this diet and it worked for me. I was PROUD of myself for this work and my body displayed my achievments.
Why did I stop? a multitude of factors. The fist death knell was, though I hadn’t hit my goal the progress I’d made physically didn’t fix issues I thought it would - family, love. (When I look better my family will respect me and my SO will want to be affectionate… yeah, no. I hadn’t realised how much that played into my motivation until the cold light of day was shone in that particular location.) This broke my resolve a bit. Chocolate was my punishment perhaps? Stress of course - from work, from uni, from money - increased appetite from subsequent antidepressants - and it’s like my bad habits were still waiting for me, held back by a dam.
One little crack just dissolves the wall around it until it all breaks though. Now I back to the worst of my habits; ignoring the scales, binging, hiding food from my housemate so he doesn’t see I’ve bought it then wolfing it down when I know he can’t see.
I am a stone heavier than when I started last February. I am intact over 200lbs now - 202.7lbs. This terrifies me. I’m almost crying right now.
My wait is 102cm (40 inches). I can’t bend down. I waddle when I walk. How have I let this happen?? (Slowly but surely, that’s how… little by little).
Things which should motivate me make me feel worse; this meet up in three weeks… I was so down I wouldn’t be my July weight I ate *more* - how does that work, brain? I have many of you lovely people asking to be my friends on MFP but I feel like a sham now - since I’m failing so badly.
But if there has to be a rock bottom and a kick up the backsie all in one shot then this may be it! So… my blog is restarting - from the beginning again - and everybody who wants to be my friend on MFP may not see the success story they’d expected, but at least we can develop good habits and a good way forward together.
This is the hardest part, after all.
This is me and dammit things are going to CHANGE.
So, turned out one “very common” side effect of the antidepressants I started taking 6 months ago is weight gain. How ironic ;s